youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
