so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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