If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
