I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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