I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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