You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
