she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
