never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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