So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
