Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My ass is underappreciated
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
