margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
