I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
