I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
