I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
