dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
