I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
