He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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