WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize