You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
