I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Drunk is not a location!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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