You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
