i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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