im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
