I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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