Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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