why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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