We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
