After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
