mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
