Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
