i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
