Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i think my tv is drunk
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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