question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
