I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
