I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
