...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
