My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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