I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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