I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
