i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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