i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you had me at cake vodka
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
