i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
