yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
