did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
