Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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