i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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