My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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