All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
