from now on my penis is your penis
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this will be a night to untag.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
