some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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