I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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