I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
