2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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