yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
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