I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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