I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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