Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
