The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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