is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
