Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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